how u gon carry a baby for 9 months and name it gary
People keep posting ‘what’s REALLY in your food’ articles like I’m gonna stop eating whatever it’s about lmao
Listen, death is coming. Death is coming. Pass me a hot dog.
i went to a party and put 3 whole loaves of sliced bread all around the house i put bread under the kid’s pillow and in all 3 of his bathrooms, in his rugby shorts and the breast pocket of his school shirt, on his roof and his neighbor’s roof, in his couch and on his tv i’m laughing so hard he’s going to wake up hungover tomorrow and be like why the fuck is there bread everywhere
i’m pissing myself
when you forget theres homework due tomorrow
Me: my son is so tiny i must have the tiniest son in the world
Doctor: this is a regular sized baby, i don’t think you understand how babies work
Me: I love my tiny son
Raise your hand if your ass makes skirts four inches shorter in the back.